Fighting is an art. It’s also integral to nearly any relationship. If you’re not fighting, then you’re not communicating. Typically, I’m not a fiery nor fighting soul – in fact, I’m probably one of the least competitive, least argumentative, and least confrontational people you’ll ever meet. I’m also sensitive, emotional, and occasionallyyy stubborn.
This combination is lethal, because when I do lean into an argument, I tend to get passionate and then, later, overthink. I spin the spat around in my brain, judging how my opponent worded something or reconsidering how I responded to certain comments. I’m not a said it and forget it, let it go type of gal, although I often wish that I was.
My ex and I never fought, which at the time I found comforting and a sign of stability. Looking back, I wonder if that was just another factor leading to our ultimate downfall. He was afraid to rock the boat, to say what he actually felt, so I got more stuck in my ways. More stubborn, more rigid, and more blind to what wasn’t being said. Our relationship imploded into the empty white space that existed between us – a chasm that should have been filled with challenges and debates and tough love.
Instead, kaboom. Relationship over.
H and I fight often. We fight about politics, about cleanliness (he is such a germaphobe), about tv shows. Lots of stuff. And I think I kind of… like it? I like being challenged. It reminds me that I’m capable, that I’m intelligent, that I can hold my own. Fighting makes me feel strong. It also helps me see different perspectives, which works because I love to learn.
As I said, fighting is an art. A dance. There are strategies that one must employ to ensure that fights with a partner don’t lead to divorce, or arguments with a coworker don’t lead to someone getting fired, or strongly worded chats with customer service agents don’t lead to being charged extra. Tbh, it’s kinda like the rules of war – fight, but with certain principles of etiquette and respect and poise. (Like, if you’re gonna fight, I’d rather you do it in the house.)
The Rules of Fighting
First and foremost, pick your battles. Don’t just fight to fight. Fight to set a boundary, fight to understand someone else, or fight to convince. But don’t be sassy just because you’re in a bad mood, and don’t pick fights just to annoy your parents. Fight with purpose and with meaning, because only then will you find compromise.
If you’re confronting a friend, a partner, or whoever – lean on “I” statements. I recently got in a tough argument with a friend, which almost never happens. Instead of saying “you should have told me sooner,” I said “I wish I’d had the opportunity to say something beforehand.” If your opponent feels attacked, then they’ll go into defense mode, and that accomplishes nothing.
In the same vein, avoid statements that start with “you.” My friend said a hurtful comment along the lines of “you should be able to push this feeling aside.” That one will take some serious time and space for me to get over. Avoid “should” while you’re at it.
Next, ask questions. People who are fighting to find solutions understand this rule well. When my boyfriend and I argue over politics, we berate each other with questions. “Well, what if this happened? Do those policies need to be mutually exclusive? What would need to change for you to think about that differently?” And so on and so forth. These questions help us bridge the gap and realize we aren’t so different after all.
Finally, the toughest challenge: listen. Your mind might be changed! You might learn information that changes your opinion. It’s not weak or wrong or traitorous to learn new information that changes your beliefs. Everyday, humans learn new information and adapt our lives accordingly. Normalize changing your opinion based on new information you didn’t know before. It’s okay!
Curiosity is arguably (no pun intended) the most important value to live by in a fight. You and your opponent must both feel and be heard. Otherwise, what’s the point of fighting?
Similarly, I bet this is why people say to never tell a friend “I know exactly how you feel.” Saying “I already know how you feel” proves that you didn’t ask. If you didn’t ask, then you really don’t know how I feel. We are different people, in completely different situations. Plus, nobody ever, ever, knows exactly how you feel. No questions, no curiosity, and no one feels heard.
To sum it up, fighting can be a positive and productive practice. You don’t need to use all the buttoned up therapy language, be the most informed, or seem the most confident to speak up for yourself. Just be curious, and be kind!
Leave a Reply