Growing up, I never feared speaking my mind. I was a big fish in a small pond, attending a small private school all my life then moving on to a tiny liberal arts college in Virginia. However, I think the blend of moving to New York City – pond to Pacific Ocean, truly – paired with the general uncertainty of my mid- to late-20s shook my confidence.
Myth: As you grow older, your sense of self only improves. When your world expands and your options seem endless, your sense of self can flounder if you let it. Trusting yourself and your intuition is a muscle you train.
As part of that training, I’ve been doing reps in the form of speaking up. In school, we learn to raise our hand only if we know the answer. We speak up only if we think we are right.
In adulthood, you don’t need to be “right” to speak up. In fact, particularly in our current political climate, the goal should be to speak up regardless of “right” or “wrong.” It should just be to speak!
We speak to exchange ideas. We speak to set boundaries. We speak to create relationships, and to invigorate them.
On Saturday, I visited one of my favorite (and extremely affordable) spa locations in the West Village: All Seasons. NOT the one on 8th street, but the one on 6th avenue. I opted for an hour long, full-body massage.
During the massage, my masseuse applied pressure as if my life depended on it. Jamming his point elbow into my back, over and over again. It hurt like hell. But, for some reason, I was too nervous to ask him to ease up on the pressure until about 10 minutes left in the session.
Why? I was paying for this service. I wasn’t saying it to be ugly or rude. I have no clue why I was so terrified, so worried I would offend this poor man I didn’t know.
This story reminds me of one that Glennon Doyle tells in her memoir Untamed. In the story, Glennon finds herself in a hot yoga class feeling overwhelmed, trapped, and physically miserable, convinced she has to endure it because everyone else seems to be managing. She spirals internally, battling panic and the belief that leaving would mean failure or weakness. Eventually, she walks out — only to realize the door was never locked, a powerful metaphor for how we (particularly women) often stay in situations that hurt us, not because we have to, but because we don’t realize we’re free to speak up, or even better, free to leave.
After the massage, I popped into a smoothie spot on Bleeker Street. A patron was sitting at a table by the counter, blasting his TikTok for-you page loud for everyone to hear. Truly my pet peeve: when people blast their Instagram reels, calls on speaker, or Facetime videos on full volume in a public place.
The girl in line to order behind me simply turned to the man and said: “Excuse me, could you turn that down?”. He said “Oh, sorry. Sure.” Ground breaking! I was genuinely impressed.
Speak up to set boundaries. Speak up because you can. The door isn’t locked.
My incredible, loving, and supportive roommate told us the other day that she planned to throw one of her best friends from high school an engagement party on our back patio. Her friend is getting engaged to my ex’s best friend. Naturally, if the she threw the party at our apartment, my ex and his girlfriend would attend. Sitting on our couch. Using my bathroom. Seeing the self-help books on my bedside table and the vibration plate under my desk.
The thought of my ex and his girlfriend existing in my safe space makes me want to crawl out of my skin. My little apartment is my sanctuary – one of the few places on this planet where I have memories without my ex – and both of them penetrating that barrier feels like a catastrophic invasion. My ex and my replacement, celebrating his friend with whom I was once friends.
So, I spoke up. I said I wasn’t comfortable with them coming and asked if she could move the party to another location.
For the record, I hate that I had to set this boundary. I’m ashamed that I’m still not over this breakup. I hate that I had to put one of my best friends, who has been nothing but patient and kind, in this tough position. It’s unfair to her, and it might even be unreasonable.
But we speak up because we can, not because we are right. Even if it seems silly. Even if it’s unfair. Even if it’s unreasonable. We speak up to set boundaries. We speak up because that is how we stay true to ourselves.
The door isn’t locked, so say something and get out.
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